some humor by Paul Tremblay (I don’t know who he is, but he’s funny)
A top Bush aid has acknowledged that Bush believes “the world is
isolating itself.”
“It all started with the Germans,” Press Secretary Ari Fleisher
explained. “Then the French joined in, then the rest of Europe–and
well, you know the story. Every single country, with the exception of
Israel, has joined together in opposing the war on Iraq. The world is
now effectively isolated from the US.”
Asked if this reflected a dangerous trend in democracy, a Bush aid
responded “Absolutely.”
Right wing commentators have been quick to point out the cynical
motives behind the anti-Americanism.
“The French and Russians just want their sweet oil deals,” Bill
O’Reiley noted. “And the Germans like Adolph–I mean Saddam–because
of his mustache. And the Belgians don’t want to lose their waffle
trade with Iraq. The Italians have cinder block contracts with Iraq
amounting in hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. And the
Chileans–well, I’m sure they have some selfish motive.”
“The fact that Saddam can control 90 percent of the world’s population
shows how powerful he is, and underscores the need to get rid of him,”
O’Reiley added
But even liberal commentators found grounds to criticize world
opinion.
“People just aren’t smart enough to understand that what I say is all
that matters,” Pulitzer prize winning commentator Thomas Friedman
opined. “And what I say is, give war a chance–now!”
David Broder pointed out that the USA is really the only country in
the world with democracy. “Sure, 90 percent of the Germans vote, and
sure, they are amongst the most educated people in the world. But do
they have a first president with wooden teeth who chopped down a
cherry tree? Instead they elect representatives with names that
have two dots over the ‘O’.”
William Raspberry chimed in as well. “Bush could have laid the
groundwork for this war with diplomacy. He could have gone to France
with roses instead of using bitter words at home. The French would
have said ‘Sure, bomb the hell out of Iraq, steal their oil, and start
world war 3.’
“And personally, I would have said Amen. In these affairs, style is
everything.”
Kathleen Parker said “I don’t really care much if innocent Iraqis die. I
only care that Bush gives me the opportunity to show just how clever I
am.”
Boycott
Right wing commentator Rush Limbaugh is urging Americans to boycott
German Black Forest cuckoo clocks. Germany is the number one exporter
in the world of German Black Forest cuckoo clocks.
“Suits me fine,” a Limbaugh fan said. “The Germans don’t keep those
dark-skinned people from sneaking into our country, trying to make
Mexican our foreign language, and stealing American flags which are
made in China.”
“I have one of those damn things,” another fan said, referring to the
cuckoo clocks. “And do you know how annoying it is? Every quarter of
an hour that bird comes out, taunts you, and then flies back to hide
in its house.”
But the call to boycott French wines has met with some resistance.
“What am I supposed to use as a toast when our smart bombs start
destroying Baghdad?” a Wall Street investor complained. “You know how
much fun it will be to see little building ignite like fire
flies–even better than the NCAA, and just in time, too.”
Another investor lamented “Oh great, so now they want to take away my
wine and my SUV. Is this country going communist or what?”
Military Dismayed At Trends
Military analysts point out that a wine boycott would do little to stem
the threat of democracy.
“Look what happened in Turkey,” a top military official complained,
referring to a vote that nixed US plans to use Turkey as a base to
attack Iraq. “Their parliament thwarted our plans. This democracy
thing is just getting out of hand.”
Another top Bush aid put it this way: “Democracy sucks.” He quickly
corrected himself. “I didn’t mean that.”
Bush strategists are already planning similar themes for the 2004
election. If Bush doesn’t win the vote, he plans to declare that he is
“deeply disappointed that the US population didn’t live up to its
responsibilities.”
“I believe that the US electorate is irrelevant,” he will say–before
appointing himself president.