Golf is Good?

I never have understood why anybody with a sound mind and body would want to waste them playing golf. And watching it is even more incomprehensible. Even if you really want a sport with the excitement of watching grass grow, there’s dressage, which at least has the distraction of horses, and pretty women with strong thighs in tight breeches. So, as I’m counting down the hours until Rolex, the ultimate sports event in North America, I was surprised to receive email, from someone who I thought had better taste, explaining the virtues of golf.

The message listed a number of reasons why golf was growing in popularity, even among spectators who don’t play themselves. As I read it, I realized that most of the “positives” about golf were really “non-negatives”: bad things about other sports that don’t occur in golf. That’s like saying George Bush (either one) is a good president because he doesn’t torture his citizens like Saddam Hussein. I also realized that most of the comments would apply to many other sports.

But, since I’m having trouble filling this space recently, and I’m always glad to poke fun at jock mania, I’ll use this. I was tempted to rewrite it just a little to apply to equestrian sports instead of golf. But either I’m lazy, or I realized that at least one person would catch my plagiarism (Hi Diane). So I’ll just present it as is, although I can’t resist adding some of my own comments (in italics).

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Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don’t even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why.

• Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don’t need referees.
  
  because there’s no action for a referee to watch

• Golfers don’t have some of their players in jail every week.
  
  we already knew golfers are boring

• Golfers don’t scratch their privates on the golf course.
  
  
  That’s a relief, but not much of a compliment

• Golfers don’t kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
  
  see above
  

• Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
  unlike some sports where the compensation is so poor that the athletes are in it because they love it

• Golfers don’t get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
  
  Riders travel in pickups pulling horse trailers

• Golfers don’t hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player’s deal.
  
  neither do horses

• Professional golfers don’t demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
  
  Well .. some golf courses, and some equestrian venues, are taxpayer supported. But at least they’re available for use by the taxpayers who fund them, unlike football/baseball stadiums which are monstrous examples of corporate welfare. But the blame for this really goes to the owners, not the players.

• When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up
  
  but golfers don’t have to worry about being airlifted off the course if they make a mistake

• The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
  
  I’ve seen a lot of charity horse shows; never a charity football game.

• You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.
  
  General admission at Rolex is about $35 for four days of Olympic-level competition.

• Golf doesn’t change its rules to attract Fans.
  
  No real sport does

• Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
  
  So do eventers ..actually three new playing areas

• Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
  
  I assume this is a reference to locker room interviews, which I’ve never seen because I avoid TV sports. I guess it’s good if you’re thinking about naked football players, but I prefer sports where the athletes would look good naked. In fact, one of my complaints about eventing is that the protective vests and headgear make it tough to celebrate a clear cross-country round in Brandi Chastain style.

• Golf doesn’t have free agency.
  
  I don’t even understand what that means, so I guess it’s not a problem in any sport I care about

• In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read “Leave Me Alone.”
  
  I’ve heard of Arnold Palmer, but not Greg Norman or Jose Canseco. All I know is that the one Olympic rider I’ve met (Dorothy Crowell) is charming and gracious, and stunningly beautiful.

• You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
  
  And in addition to the birds, you can hear hoofbeats at an event

• At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas)you won’t hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you’re hoping that no one spills beer on you.
  
  never been a problem anywhere I’ve been

• Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can
  hit a baseball.
  
  Big whoop … neither one of those wimps can do this, and they don’t look as good, either.

• Golf Courses don’t ruin the neighborhood.
  
  Now that one I just have to flat disagree with. There’s plenty of documentation that they do. I’d much rather have a horse park in the neighborhood.

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Naah .. the more I think about it, the more I think the only reason for golf’s popularity is that people don’t know any better, which gets us back to the comparison with George Bush (father and son are both golfers, what more do you need to say about golf?)